Forever alone

This isn’t actually true. I’m forever lonely. Alone requires no visitors, or friends. I have both. As well as a great family. People who actually care for me, who love me. But I’m still lonely.
Locked up in my head. No one enters no one escapes. He got in there a few years ago and I suppose he’s still in there. A man I once called my superstar. Because he was. Good God he was my sun and moon. He was my love and my life. My all.
When we finally broke it off, after years of fighting and hurting I was at first relieved. But as time passed I found myself missing him. All the shit aside, his lips. His hands. His perfect face. I really missed him, and I convinced myself he was the one. So when he called I came running back.

But that was then. A stupid mistake. Never to be repeated. Indeed at the start of this year I met a man. A man who not only took me by surprise but rather swept me right off my feet. I fell for him, in a way I’d never thought I would.
I found myself longing for his embrace. Longing just to be in his presence. Longing even as I still was tangled up in the shards of my past love.

It took many months for this man to find the courage to get in touch with me. But when he did my heart dropped. Time stood still. My longing was coming to an end. So when he showed up on my doorstep I couldn’t believe it, and even as I held him in my arms I still couldn’t believe this was actually happening.
I was taken aback, I died inside. Froze. Not understanding that this person, this man, had come to see me. HE came to see little old ME. I couldn’t grasp that, and I guess I still don’t.

I’m not sure where I’m headed with this post. Or my life. All I know is I hope he takes part of this adventure. Not changing his mind, not going back. I like him, I want to explore more of this. He makes me smile. I like that.

Whatever happens I’m forever grateful that the old feelings I once had for my ex are long go e, thanks to the man with those fantastic blue eyes. In a way he saved me from me. From him. He made me happy, if only for a short moment.

So thanks.

 

THE HUMAN SNOWPLOW

Oxen can really accomplish a lot in life. But Sagittarius/Oxen can do more. These folks are super charged bulldozer people. They are both fiery and placid. They are eloquent fast talkers too. They are direct, humanistic, openhanded and strong.

What’s more, Sagittarians born in Ox years are ambitious for power, influence, control and prestige. They don’t despise money, either. What’s most surprising about the Sagittarian/Ox is his or her perseverance. This creature gloms onto a project and sticks with it – against all odds – until the job is done.

Not very tolerant of slug-a-beds or lazies, this person will be a demanding boss who routinely accomplished more than any employee. There is little this character cannot do. When young, the Sag/Ox is often busy flitting about seeking a life partner. He or she will have a firm idea of the type he or she needs to make him happy. Once he settles with a partner for life, this character paints a lusty sexual picture, complete with gadgetry.

 

Life, oh life… Ooooh liiife, oh life. Tututut.

 

What a crappy song. Really is. But it stuck in my head some 13 years ago, and from then on I keep singing it once in a while. Humming it. Quoting it. You name it, I’ve done it. But it fills its purpose. It does. It’s memorable in its suckyness. Des’ree, I believe, sang it. In 1998. I remember the world cup, that’s about it. I seldom remember things. Or people. I believe it’s some sort of defense mechanism. Who knows, what it is. Other than annoying.

But life. Yes. What were my thoughts of it. Good in general, except that I’ve been feeling lonely. And when I feel lonely I start thinking of years past, of my exes being all coupled up. My friends as well. All of them. I’m the last man (see woman) standing. The one that never really was single is now single. And let me tell you it is a drag. As nice as it is to get away from the jerks I’ve dated it sucks being alone all the time.

I live alone. Nowhere near any one of my friends. And even if I lived right next door to them I wouldn’t hang out more than now. Them being coupled up sort of brings me down. They don’t have time to spend on anyone outside the couple. I’m not jealous, that’s not it, I’m sad that the friendships we once had are no longer there. But I suppose that’s what happens when people find love. It happened to me as well. I don’t know how many friends I lost back then.

I chose him before them. I chose him before me. But that’s what happens when you fall madly in love, you can’t blame people for that behavior. When in love, one is blind. But now that I’m all alone I realize just how lonely it gets when all your friends are busy in their love lives. Too busy to notice your lonesome self. And the last thing you want to do is have a pity party, so you go about life as usual. Hoping to one day meet a prince, even though chances are very slim when the only thing you do is go between the house and work.

But I guess some people aren’t meant to be coupled up. I do feel a lot better being alone, than with any of the losers I’ve dated so far. And instead of having a pity party maybe i should focus inward. Try to get a hold of myself, before inviting yet another loser into my life. Maybe I should figure out what I want, so the next guy isn’t a loser but rather someone I want to be with. And can be with, without ALWAYS wanting to shove a sock in their mouth every time they open it.

Might be a good idea…

 

Toxic

Back in Sweden. Back to life, back to reality. Today I take charge. Today I am strong.
A big part of my vacation was spent in bed, calculating. Thinking. Fearing. And what for!? What have I got to fear? My own attitude towards others..? My toxicity. Bitterness. Dissatisfaction. And why? Why am I miserable when I lead a life worth living?
I have surrounded myself with yes men. Nobody dears stepping up to me, and if they should ever think of it I would shoot them down in the blink of an eye. I’m a toxic person, who loves nothing better than having other toxic people around me. People who bring me down. And whom I, in return, take down a couple notches.
I realised that I’m an incredibly self centered person. Driven by my ego. Prestige seeker of the worst kind. And I realized why I’m never happy: I don’t like the sensation. I like seeing others suffer. I don’t like causing them suffering but I like to hang around broken people. I like to fix them and then move on.
I’ve been doing that my whole life, finding broken people feeding off of their suffering only to fix them and trade them for new ones. That’s why I don’t keep friends for long. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that they bore me and I hate being bored. So I find a new fixer upper and get to work. Put my entire being into fixing them, all my energy only to leave once they’re people.

I need to change this behavior. I need to focus on fixing me. Fixing this ego centric behavior, and focusing inward. It’ll be a long trip, and I need to pack a lot. But the time is here, the time to find myself.

It starts here.

 

DOn’t go sharing your emotions… Lay ALL your love on me…

 

It is October people. Are we ready to hustle? I sure am… not. I don’t know what’s going on but there is too much shit going on right now, and yet it all just stands perfectly still. So I sit here. Waiting. Pushing papers around, closing the books for September. Being all busy and all. Or like my brother says: “You pretend that you’re working, and I’ll pretend that I believe you”.

So anyway. I believe I’ll round this puppy off now. I’m too bloody tired for this shenanigans.

Good day to you Sir!

 

 

This old house… No, wait, car… I meant car!

Oh, Autumn in Stockholm. How I love the fall season. It’s getting darker by the minute. Colder too. People are in a scurry, trying to find someone to provide them heat during the cold winter months. I’m in no rush. I’ve stopped rushing. Life is good. It really is. My car broke down. Completely. So I sold it. It went bye-bye.

No love lost there. It served its purpose. I have my driver’s license now. That’s why I bought the damn thing in the first place. But it is now mine. The license that is. As for the car: good riddance. I was getting pretty sick of the crap I had to deal with when it was around. I am scouting for a new car. I actually know which one I’m getting. In February I’m debt free so that’s when I’m getting myself a nice 4wd. A real beast. Totally worth the wait.

But now I have to play the waiting game. Soon in a different country. Italy awaits, as does Croatia. In a week I’ll be heading to the south of Europe, to live a little. I’ve lost 33 lbs, since I broke it off with my ex. So a lighter me flies down, to shop and have tons of fun. I’ve needed it. To just get away and see something new. Someone new, actually.

But all this is good, however the man with the blue eyes. I miss him. We never got a real chance due to me being tangled up before. But now that I’m untangled he’s not here. He’s way over there. And I miss him. Sort of. I kind of miss him. On lonely days, I miss him. But all in all, honestly, I feel pretty damn good. I’m happier than I’ve been for years.

Now I believe I’ll go out with my colleague who always discusses “Deliverance” for the sake of it.

Weirdo.

Hah!

 

I can’t wait to be on the road again…

So time passes… Slowly.

My car broke down a few days ago and it’s in the shop now. I’m having to commute by train, again. What a crap deal. But I get to read, hang out with friends and colleagues and spend a lot of time shuffling about town. With all my thoughts stuck inside the old noggin’.

I found myself thinking of him again. It’s been a few months since last. But thoughts of him swirled around my head all of yesterday. His blue eyes. His hands. That old story. But he has a way of making me want him. An aura of innocence which I’ve never seen in a grown man. Not like that anyway. He has a way about him that would drive any woman nuts. Or at the very least, it drives me nuts.

I wasn’t ready for him. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. But he revs my engine. And that mothering feeling that used to be so deeply embedded in the essential me is flourishing thanks to his presence in my life. I think he awoke a desire in me that I thought died that fateful night in 2008. I thought that my entire self died that night. But it didn’t. It was merely asleep. Until I looked into his eyes and saw what I hope is my future… A happy home.

But nothing has happened. And the fall season is here. Time passes, and the rain washes away all the hurt. Or so I hope. All I can do is to hope we get to meet again, we never have to hook up. I just want another glimpse of a future that might still be. Just one more look into his eyes. Just so I can be happy for another moment. At ease. Safe.

Going places that I’ve never been. Seeing things that I may never see again. And I can’t wait to be on the road again…

 

You should be a comedienne…

 

Today, again, I was told I missed my calling in life. “You should be a comedian”. I’ve heard those words since day one. Oh how funny I am. I don’t always agree, but I do know people are entertained by me. And it is true, I do have a good sense of humor. But I never saw that as my life calling. No, I’ve always dreamed I’d end up a writer.

I difficult person. Hard to get to know. Hard to be around. But I’m not. I don’t have a complex personality, it’s not hard to relate to me. My experiences in life are, but as a person I’m very simple. I enjoy the simple things in life. I have friends who I love, a family which I’d never trade and a very comfortable life. But yes, I’d love me a shot of fame. A way to entertain more than just the few people I have in my life. Not that there’s anything wrong with a small audience, but I do dream big.

 

 

Maybe he’s right. Maybe they all are. Maybe my calling in life is much grander than finances. Maybe I should be out there, performing, doing what I love. Because entertainment has always been close to my heart. I love amusing people, performing. I love being in the limelight, always have. I just never thought about the performing arts. I always figured I’d be a writer. One of those hateful people. Bitter and angry. But I’m nothing like that. I’m happy-go-lucky. Easygoing.

I might have to re-think my life choices. I always did know I’d be great. I just never figured that comedy might be my way out of this tristesse. Maybe one day I’ll amount to something new. Walk down a path less traveled. Maybe one day, I’ll dare.

 

 

Failure

I believe the time of change is upon us. Whether we like it or not. I’ve been sceptical about all this nonsense that surrounds me. But never really acted to make a change. And now a shower of this feeling of complete failure. But I knew my focus was misdirected. I got all tangled up in this mess again. I let him take center stage. I got cought up in the past. Wishing it would come alive. Oh and it did.

That overwhelming sense of failure is upon me. I’m too weak. And he affects me in the most foul of ways. Like heroin. You think you can handle it. In small doses. But you can’t get enough of that shit. It messes up your senses, makes you think you’re in control when in fact you’ve surrendered to it.

When it comes to him I stand no chance. But I have to. I have to try. I’ve failed so many times with him that it’s not even funny any more. It’s scary how I become like clay in his hands. For him to shape and mould any way he choses. But I have to take charge of my life. Mainly because I’ve let him shape me, I have to stop being so damn weak! It borders on pathetic.

I’d like to think that I’m somewhat of a modern woman. I shouldn’t be so easy on men. But I am. I let my boyfriends walk all over me. Totally helpless, and that makes me sad. But enough of that. No more of this pity party shit. I am a grown woman, I’m in control. I need to remind myself of that once in a while.

So here goes nothing…

 

No other love can take your place

I wish I could trust him. But I can’t. I don’t. And that is tell tale sign one that what I do here is wrong. But truth is, I hate being alone. I also like him a lot. A lot, a lot. He’s a safe bet. I know now, like I always have that he is in love with me. But that’s not enough.

A while ago I met a guy. He really revved my engine. I was hoping he would call but he never did. He left me hanging and I got really sad. I thought things would work out. I thought there was actually something there but clearly I was wrong. And maybe there is some cosmic joke being played on me. Maybe I should reconcile with fate.

But honestly. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I never knew what to do with this love. Maybe I should stay clear of it. Just lose myself in the moment, forget the future. Disregard it. But I can’t. I analyze things asunder. To smitherines.

I know one thing. One thing alone; there’s only one person that makes me feel like I’d just want to climb inside of them. And of course it’s him. It had to be. Even when he’s so close to me that there’s no air between the two of us he’s just not close enough. Even when we are intertwined in every way he isn’t close enough. And if I had the choice I’d choose him, to be living with forever.

But the choice was never mine to make. And therefore I need to focus on other things, other people. I need to see the world. Feel new feelings and maybe find love. Or at least experience a love where trust can grow.

I really wish he’d call. I really do. But while I wait I spend my days in this bed, with music as my only companion. All in all, time well spent.