Category Archives: Everyday living
Just as sure as none at all!
Queen said it best, I suppose. I’ve never had just enough love to satisfy my needs. I’ve either had entirely too much of it or none at all.
I suppose that’s life tho. You don’t really have a menu to choose from, you’re usually served somebody else’s order. And the one you place is without a doubt always given to someone else. The waitress of life is worse than Rachel was on Friends. Always screwing up orders. But she’s pretty, so she gets away with it. People do their best to switch around the plates they’ve been handed without too much fuss. One doesn’t want to insult the pretty waitress.
So we all go “oh that’s life” and “when life gives you lemons you make lemonade”. Why? Well, life’s that pretty waitress that keeps screwing up our order and we just go with it because well “that’s life”. And it sure is. We don’t want to make a big fuss and embarass not only ourselves but our company as well. So, we play along. Pretend we ordered the Pad Thai when in fact we’re allergic to both shrimp and peanuts. And when we think the waitress doesn’t see we switch orders with anyone who’s ready to trade us.
I guess one has to be strong. To survive. But I don’t want to be here any more, I don’t. I don’t see the point to it. I’m not so close with my family and I don’t have any friends to talk to. I’m alone here and I hate it. I don’t have anything to live for any more.
I used to have a cushy job, and love. I had it going on. I don’t any more. And I don’t have anything any more. And while two more of my friends give birth to kids I’m stuck alone in a place which I’ve hated from getgo.
Maybe it’s my time to give this up.
I believe it is.
2011 is now finally over. We are in the year 2012. I can’t believe I’m still here. I really can’t. I never thought I’d ever see my 26th year. But I’m still alive and kicking.
Alive anyway. My back and right hip have been off, if you will, since the tenth of December. The amount of pain I’m in can’t be measured. It hurts more than my botched abortion, and I almost died on that day. I’m in so much pain. It just hurts like balls.
But let’s leave that for now and take a slight stroll down memory lane, the 2011 edition.
During the course of 2011:
I got to know a few new people at work. Two who would become really fast friends.
I had HIM over. He just came here, one night. And I knew shit would never work out but I kept hoping. And even tho he proved me right I learned a lesson, I don’t need my ex.
I fell back in love with my ex, despite it all. He wooed me. Like he always had before, and I bought it. But he proved himself to not be trustworthy and by the year end we had ended our story once and for all.
I ended my employment.
I bought no less than two cars. One brand spanking new.
I got my driver’s license. And I’ve been driving ever since.
I met a cute guy. Obviously nothing serious but it was fun. Flattering.
I quit smoking for four months. Then got right back on track with it.
I visited no less than 5 countries: Thailand, Italy, Croatia, Bosnia Herzegovina and Denmark.
I cried heaps and bounds, but I laughed so much more.
I saw Sabaton and Iron Maiden in concert, in Gothenburg. A city I ended up falling in love with.
I saw Dropkick Murphys in concert.
I bought a guitar. Turns out it’s really hard to learn to play it.
I lost a lot of weight on the LCHF diet and gained almost all of it back.
I busted my back.
Bought an apartment and then sold it.
High as fuck in Zagreb
2012 so far:
Busted back and hip
Been in a car crash
No love in sight
But a very good mood
New washing machine and dryer, installed and well used
Spotify premium (this is vital info)
GOALS FOR 2012:
1. Find a job
2. Lose 50 lbs
3. Start exercising regularly (at least twice a month)
4. Get rid of the crap under my right foot
5. Get help with my hairloss issue
6. Go out and do things outside of my apartment
7. Learn how to play the guitar (at beginner level)
8. Refresh my German skills
9. Visit a country to which I’ve never been before
10. Have more fun and dance A LOT more than last year!
London in mid winter. Ah the pleasure will be all mine. The many pleasures. Food, beer, people, shopping. All systems go. What with this turbulence back home, I need some peace. Some calm amidst all storms. I need to back off myself, stop all the shitty thoughts of the men in my life and just let go. For once, just let the fuck go.
I was sitting by the phone, I guess I still am. Waiting to hear from him. Like some desperate school girl. As if his love would validate me. It won’t. It can’t. Those rivers run too damn deep. But I’ve been sitting there. Right by the phone. Longing. What an idiot. I’m saddened by my own actions. By all the shit that came out of his mouth. What a heap of crap. I bought it. I did. Right off the shelf. No closer inspections, no extra look. I’ve been daft before and that familiar feeling sets again. I was hoping for more. I got a hell of a lot less than I expected.
Maybe I’m the fool in all of this. I probably am. I’m the common denominator in all these messes. Maybe I bring it on myself when I act like a fool. Like a love starved teenager, just waiting to be graced by a man’s presence. Whatever the reason, I need to knock this shit off. Enough with all these good-for-nothing losers. I’ve wasted too much time. Invested myself too greatly into this shit.
It is time to back the fuck off.
Loserville’s population decreased by one, just this moment.
I find myself on the couch. Nothing unusual there, but I’m different. Renewed. Or maybe my faith is. My faith in people but family values even more so.
I’ve always talked about how I never want to get married and having children. But I do. Now more than ever. I just never wanted kids when I was with my ex. The man who ripped my heart out through my rib cage and stomped on it. The one I never thought I would get over.
But I did. Or I am getting over him as I type this. Having had my family over I realized what was missing in my near perfect life – a family of my own. A child I could shower with love, a husband to have and to hold. For better or for worse. That’s the missing puzzle piece. The one I was avoiding, until tonight. When it came showering over me.
There is peace in family life, even the worst kind of family living. I have finally found peace in my life. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been, and I would like to share that happiness and all this love with someone. I know it’s a desperate move, to say it out loud. Or rather that it’s percieved as a desperate thing. But I put a lot of my thoughts out there for anyone to grab, and I figure that this is just another one.
Life doesn’t change with this new insight. I go about it as usual. Shuffle to and fro work, but I believe life will be that much more fun. Finding that someone who loves me as much as I love them. Who cares enough to call, to want to share their joy and pain and listen to your sorrows and joys. Wherever that man is, I’ll find him.
One day, folks. Even I will make my dream come true.
Listening to Amy Winehouse’s song Valerie. Thinking of him. Thinking of that other him. Of Hannu. I think of them all. But I’m alone. So I sit on the bed and miss them. Those familiar scents. Voices. Heartbeats. I miss it all when I open the kitchen window and let the freezing cold into my apartment.
I have to quit smoking. Or ease up on it. But I can’t get him out of my head. I need a drink. I need several drinks! But that won’t do. I need my smoke. Before going to bed. My drug of choice. Kills people by the millions, but I still choose it. Or it chose me. I’m not sure.
I’ve smoked for a good decade or so, even with my asthma. I just love the feeling. No wacky tobaccy, no plain simple Marlboro lights. Not now however, oh no. Now I smoke my fancy Davidoff smokes. And every time I inhale, I know that with every exhale I exhale a chunk of my life. But I guess that’s how the story goes.
So as I stand here in the cold I realize, I really like him. Robert. I really do. How silly of me. Silly little girl! But that too is how the story goes.