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Children

I find myself on the couch. Nothing unusual there, but I’m different. Renewed. Or maybe my faith is. My faith in people but family values even more so.

I’ve always talked about how I never want to get married and having children. But I do. Now more than ever. I just never wanted kids when I was with my ex. The man who ripped my heart out through my rib cage and stomped on it. The one I never thought I would get over.

But I did. Or I am getting over him as I type this. Having had my family over I realized what was missing in my near perfect life – a family of my own. A child I could shower with love, a husband to have and to hold. For better or for worse. That’s the missing puzzle piece. The one I was avoiding, until tonight. When it came showering over me.

There is peace in family life, even the worst kind of family living. I have finally found peace in my life. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been, and I would like to share that happiness and all this love with someone. I know it’s a desperate move, to say it out loud. Or rather that it’s percieved as a desperate thing. But I put a lot of my thoughts out there for anyone to grab, and I figure that this is just another one.

Life doesn’t change with this new insight. I go about it as usual. Shuffle to and fro work, but I believe life will be that much more fun. Finding that someone who loves me as much as I love them. Who cares enough to call, to want to share their joy and pain and listen to your sorrows and joys. Wherever that man is, I’ll find him.

One day, folks. Even I will make my dream come true.

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Posted by on November 12, 2011 in Everyday living, Scattergories

 

Someone’s girl

Listening to Amy Winehouse’s song Valerie. Thinking of him. Thinking of that other him. Of Hannu. I think of them all. But I’m alone. So I sit on the bed and miss them. Those familiar scents. Voices. Heartbeats. I miss it all when I open the kitchen window and let the freezing cold into my apartment.

I have to quit smoking. Or ease up on it. But I can’t get him out of my head. I need a drink. I need several drinks! But that won’t do. I need my smoke. Before going to bed. My drug of choice. Kills people by the millions, but I still choose it. Or it chose me. I’m not sure.

I’ve smoked for a good decade or so, even with my asthma. I just love the feeling. No wacky tobaccy, no plain simple Marlboro lights. Not now however, oh no. Now I smoke my fancy Davidoff smokes. And every time I inhale, I know that with every exhale I exhale a chunk of my life. But I guess that’s how the story goes.

So as I stand here in the cold I realize, I really like him. Robert. I really do. How silly of me. Silly little girl! But that too is how the story goes.

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Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Everyday living, Scattergories

 

All me – all the time

1. What are your talents? Writing, entertaining, talking. I know a little about a lot.

2. What is your best habit? Eating a lot of vegetables.

3. If you had to be stuck with someone in an elevator for 8 hours, who would you want it to be? Honestly, anyone. I like people, and I love to talk. Finding out who they are and what they do. But anyone of my friends, a member of my family or that guy I’ve been on that date with. I’d like to get to know him some more.

4. Share one odd fact about you that we’d never know to ask. I am a smoker, I am. But I don’t identify myself as one. So whenever I fill out a questionnaire and the question whether or not I am a smoker appears I always check the No box only to later have to go back and change it.

5. What’s your latest project (work, home, whatever you care to share?)  I guess myself. I am a constant project of mine. That and my house. Making constant changes, in terms of color schemes and what have you.

6. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Have nicer legs and a better ass. Oh and lose the tummy altogether.

7. What do you do in your spare time? I often find myself obsessing about things. I spend a great deal of time on Facebook and Instagram, as well as watching different shows on TV. I write journals and update my blog from time to time and I clean whenever the mood strikes me. I also spend an enormous amount of time on the phone with my best friend. Discussing everything between heaven and earth. Oh and I travel a shitload. Just this year I’ve visited five different countries and two continents.

8. What is your biggest pet peeve? Stupidity. I honestly cannot deal with people who are stupid and lack a sense of humor.

9. Why do you blog? To get it all out there.

10. Are you tidy or messy? Messy in general, but I’m trying my best to get that under control. But it’s a constant battle.

11. What’s the last song that played on your iPod? Wild Rover – Dropkick Murphys with Shane MacGowan.

12. Do you cook?  If so, what’s for dinner tonight? I love to cook, but I find it rather boring to clean up after myself so I don’t really cook as much as I would have liked to. For dinner, we’ll see. Maybe there won’t be any dinner. Last night I ate two Brazil nuts for dinner and had a cup of coffee.

13. Do you like sports?  If so, list your teams. Not any more. I used to be but that passion when out the door at some point.

14. How often do you read and/or watch the news? Once every few months, when nothing else is on. I stopped reading the news a few years ago.

15. Did you stick to your new Year’s resolution this year?  If so, elaborate. Seeing as how I don’t make any I don’t know how to answer this. I find it a waste of time to make promises I don’t intend to keep.

16. What are you looking forward to most in the remainder of 2011?  I hope to see more of that blue eyed guy and just see where that leads. As well as a lot of laughter and some more traveling (London calling in December).

17. Shoes, sunglasses or handbags?  Sneakers, Ray Ban Wayfarers, and YES!

18. How do you feel about sleeping on satin sheets? Love the crap out of it and almost always have some on. That is if I don’t “forget” to wash for a few months.

19. Do you sing in the shower? No.

20. Describe yourself in one word. Clever.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2011 in Everyday living, Scattergories

 

Forever alone

This isn’t actually true. I’m forever lonely. Alone requires no visitors, or friends. I have both. As well as a great family. People who actually care for me, who love me. But I’m still lonely.
Locked up in my head. No one enters no one escapes. He got in there a few years ago and I suppose he’s still in there. A man I once called my superstar. Because he was. Good God he was my sun and moon. He was my love and my life. My all.
When we finally broke it off, after years of fighting and hurting I was at first relieved. But as time passed I found myself missing him. All the shit aside, his lips. His hands. His perfect face. I really missed him, and I convinced myself he was the one. So when he called I came running back.

But that was then. A stupid mistake. Never to be repeated. Indeed at the start of this year I met a man. A man who not only took me by surprise but rather swept me right off my feet. I fell for him, in a way I’d never thought I would.
I found myself longing for his embrace. Longing just to be in his presence. Longing even as I still was tangled up in the shards of my past love.

It took many months for this man to find the courage to get in touch with me. But when he did my heart dropped. Time stood still. My longing was coming to an end. So when he showed up on my doorstep I couldn’t believe it, and even as I held him in my arms I still couldn’t believe this was actually happening.
I was taken aback, I died inside. Froze. Not understanding that this person, this man, had come to see me. HE came to see little old ME. I couldn’t grasp that, and I guess I still don’t.

I’m not sure where I’m headed with this post. Or my life. All I know is I hope he takes part of this adventure. Not changing his mind, not going back. I like him, I want to explore more of this. He makes me smile. I like that.

Whatever happens I’m forever grateful that the old feelings I once had for my ex are long go e, thanks to the man with those fantastic blue eyes. In a way he saved me from me. From him. He made me happy, if only for a short moment.

So thanks.

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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Everyday living, Scattergories

 

THE HUMAN SNOWPLOW


Oxen can really accomplish a lot in life. But Sagittarius/Oxen can do more. These folks are super charged bulldozer people. They are both fiery and placid. They are eloquent fast talkers too. They are direct, humanistic, openhanded and strong.
What’s more, Sagittarians born in Ox years are ambitious for power, influence, control and prestige. They don’t despise money, either. What’s most surprising about the Sagittarian/Ox is his or her perseverance. This creature gloms onto a project and sticks with it – against all odds – until the job is done.
Not very tolerant of slug-a-beds or lazies, this person will be a demanding boss who routinely accomplished more than any employee. There is little this character cannot do. When young, the Sag/Ox is often busy flitting about seeking a life partner. He or she will have a firm idea of the type he or she needs to make him happy. Once he settles with a partner for life, this character paints a lusty sexual picture, complete with gadgetry.
 
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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Everyday living, Reading, Scattergories

 

Life, oh life… Ooooh liiife, oh life. Tututut.

 

What a crappy song. Really is. But it stuck in my head some 13 years ago, and from then on I keep singing it once in a while. Humming it. Quoting it. You name it, I’ve done it. But it fills its purpose. It does. It’s memorable in its suckyness. Des’ree, I believe, sang it. In 1998. I remember the world cup, that’s about it. I seldom remember things. Or people. I believe it’s some sort of defense mechanism. Who knows, what it is. Other than annoying.

But life. Yes. What were my thoughts of it. Good in general, except that I’ve been feeling lonely. And when I feel lonely I start thinking of years past, of my exes being all coupled up. My friends as well. All of them. I’m the last man (see woman) standing. The one that never really was single is now single. And let me tell you it is a drag. As nice as it is to get away from the jerks I’ve dated it sucks being alone all the time.

I live alone. Nowhere near any one of my friends. And even if I lived right next door to them I wouldn’t hang out more than now. Them being coupled up sort of brings me down. They don’t have time to spend on anyone outside the couple. I’m not jealous, that’s not it, I’m sad that the friendships we once had are no longer there. But I suppose that’s what happens when people find love. It happened to me as well. I don’t know how many friends I lost back then.

I chose him before them. I chose him before me. But that’s what happens when you fall madly in love, you can’t blame people for that behavior. When in love, one is blind. But now that I’m all alone I realize just how lonely it gets when all your friends are busy in their love lives. Too busy to notice your lonesome self. And the last thing you want to do is have a pity party, so you go about life as usual. Hoping to one day meet a prince, even though chances are very slim when the only thing you do is go between the house and work.

But I guess some people aren’t meant to be coupled up. I do feel a lot better being alone, than with any of the losers I’ve dated so far. And instead of having a pity party maybe i should focus inward. Try to get a hold of myself, before inviting yet another loser into my life. Maybe I should figure out what I want, so the next guy isn’t a loser but rather someone I want to be with. And can be with, without ALWAYS wanting to shove a sock in their mouth every time they open it.

Might be a good idea…

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Everyday living, Scattergories

 

Toxic

Back in Sweden. Back to life, back to reality. Today I take charge. Today I am strong.
A big part of my vacation was spent in bed, calculating. Thinking. Fearing. And what for!? What have I got to fear? My own attitude towards others..? My toxicity. Bitterness. Dissatisfaction. And why? Why am I miserable when I lead a life worth living?
I have surrounded myself with yes men. Nobody dears stepping up to me, and if they should ever think of it I would shoot them down in the blink of an eye. I’m a toxic person, who loves nothing better than having other toxic people around me. People who bring me down. And whom I, in return, take down a couple notches.
I realised that I’m an incredibly self centered person. Driven by my ego. Prestige seeker of the worst kind. And I realized why I’m never happy: I don’t like the sensation. I like seeing others suffer. I don’t like causing them suffering but I like to hang around broken people. I like to fix them and then move on.
I’ve been doing that my whole life, finding broken people feeding off of their suffering only to fix them and trade them for new ones. That’s why I don’t keep friends for long. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that they bore me and I hate being bored. So I find a new fixer upper and get to work. Put my entire being into fixing them, all my energy only to leave once they’re people.

I need to change this behavior. I need to focus on fixing me. Fixing this ego centric behavior, and focusing inward. It’ll be a long trip, and I need to pack a lot. But the time is here, the time to find myself.

It starts here.

 
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Posted by on October 23, 2011 in Everyday living, Scattergories